A confused husband needs your advice

Hi good people of blog ville,
One of my readers inboxed me to seek advice on an issue that is bothering him.
Lets call him Alvin, he's been married to Brenda for almost eight years now with a 3 year old girl. Initially, Alvin was diagnosed of low sperm count and erectile dysfunction which he made Brenda aware of before they got married. According to Alvin despite his condition he is able to *satisfy* his wife who seldom complains of short duration of sexual intercourse.

Alvin's headache is that for a few years now Brenda has started sleeping around with other men. He says there are occasions where Brenda will seek permission to visit her father and will end up in another man's house. Her co-workers and even school mates have entered her. Her attitude has made her shed her matrimonial responsibilities that Alvin lays the bed, cook for the family, bath their 3 year old girl and take her to school. The most annoying part of it all is that Brenda even does it with some of her female friends.

Alvin says he truly loves his wife because she is beautiful, tall, elegant and gorgeous but is confused and does not know what to do since all attempt to get her changed has fallen on deaf ears.

Please blog ville, help me advice him.


Shalom!

Comments

  1. Rhapsody Phoenix27 November 2012 at 19:30

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rhapsody Phoenix27 November 2012 at 19:32

    Blessings.....
    "Alvin truly loves his wife because she is beautiful, tall, elegant and gorgeous." To be blunt this is so frigging irrelevant. What does physical beauty have to do with lack of integrity, dignity and morality? There is no excuse for her behavior, even in light of his challenges. Her behavior is disrespectful; dishonoring her and her husband and worst her sexual promiscuity can very well put his health at risk for sexual transmitted diseases – HIV/AIDS being the worst of them.

    If Alvin knows implicitly that his wife is willfully and disregardingly unfaithful then he has some tough decision to make one of which includes his worth and value as a human being, husband and father.

    Second Alvin must consider the lessons he is inadvertently teaching his daughter about relationships, the type of woman she ought to be and the kind of man she should choose to be her husband and life partner. We teach our children not only by what we say but also by what we do, don't do and fail to do because children 9 out of 10 times do what their parents do mimicking their behaviors/actions rather than what they are thought through words hence they both will pass on the pathology of dishonor, disrespect for self and their loved ones.

    Alvin needs to understand his low sperm count and bouts of erectile dysfunction are not an excuse for her behavior and he does not have to tolerate her emasculating demoralization of him. He will have to ask himself some tough questions. Why am I here? What do I want from this marriage? Is my wife capable or willing to give me what I want? Do I know my worth? I am worth the constant disrespect and disregard by his wife for his health and emotional and psychological being? What does he gain by staying? What does he gain by staying? What does he lose by leaving/staying? He needs to weigh the pros and the cons and make be his own advocate and support system and learn to value who he is and not allow her treatment of him determine his worth or define who he is, can be or should be.

    If Alvin is worried about life being hard without his wife, at this stage it won’t be nor could be any worst than it is now. He won’t be the first single father nor would he be the last. There are great single fathers out there and he cannot be afraid to stand up for himself and his child and show her through example to live with dignity, self-respect and personal integrity. Parents need not underestimate children, they know more and see more than you think and are taking notes and internalizing unchecked bad behavior as normal and ok.
    For me there is no question about what I would do if I was in this situation, I would leave point blank because frankly, “I can do bad by myself,” and I don’t need company or someone constantly dragging me down and raking my heart through the mud for the fun of it. I have no tolerance for sexual indiscriminate promiscuity. I have a low bull shit tolerance and place a high value on my health and do not care to nor would I put my health in another’s hand who clearly through their actions shows that they do not give a flying fuck (excuse my language) for me, my heart, soul, mind and body.

    We are responsible for ourselves, our happiness, growth and evolution and cannot always look unto others to validate us, or determine who we are or ought to be.

    Peace..
    Rhapsody
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Docia27 November 2012 at 23:25

      Rhapsody, may I know if you are a marriage counselor or motivational speaker? Waow!I will gladly forward your advice to my reader (Alvin). I have really learnt some lessons for myself. I thank God so much for having met you on blog. Thanks for sharing and I hope you follow me too if you don't mind.

      Delete
    2. Docia27 November 2012 at 23:26

      Rhapsody, may I know if you are a marriage counselor or motivational speaker? Waow!I will gladly forward your advice to my reader (Alvin). I have really learnt some lessons for myself. I thank God so much for having met you on blog. Thanks for sharing and I hope you follow me too if you don't mind.

      Delete
    3. DiDi28 November 2012 at 02:55

      WHOA!!!! On Point!!!!

      Delete
    4. Docia28 November 2012 at 04:41

      DiDi, how body? I was waiting to read your advice, but you are rather giving an applause. OMG! please tell him (Alvin) something. Good to see you again.

      Delete
    5. Docia28 November 2012 at 04:45

      Rhapsody, don't you think Brenda is hiding something from Alvin?

      Delete
    6. Rhapsody Phoenix1 December 2012 at 12:50

      Blessings....
      She's not hiding rather Alvin is because he don't want to look to closely or examine the possibility. God gives us instincts though we may walk around in ignorant bliss. I'll just say this, "paternity test."

      Delete
    7. Rhapsody Phoenix11 December 2012 at 09:15

      Blessings....
      It just occurred to me that I did not answer your question: "may I know if you are a marriage counselor or motivational speaker?"

      Answer: Though I have some counselling skills/experience i am not a counselor (at least not "officially" though my cousin often tells me to hand up my shingles, she'd be the first to occupy my chair-haha.). In terms of motivational speaker, again not in an official capacity. I could lie and mislead you to gain props but what's the point? Personal integrity is more important. Hope i've answered your questions satisfactorily.

      peace & blessings.
      feel free to drop by anytime and ask anything, if i can help i I'll let you know. If I cannot, I'll let you know that too. I try always to keep it real.

      have a blessed day.

      Delete
    8. Docia12 December 2012 at 06:12

      Same to you dear, you've been a blessing and more grease to your elbows and knees. lol

      Delete
  3. A-9ja-Great28 November 2012 at 01:00

    "Alvin says he truly loves his wife because she is beautiful, tall, elegant and gorgeous".I was fishing to see real reasons why people should fall in love but didn't find any.Anyway,in my opinion,he should try and get her to talk to him because i know communication fixes a lot.However,if that fails,he should seek the intervention of a marriage councilor.Personally,i'd say he throws her out if she refuses to talk to him and give her time to think of her behavior.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Docia28 November 2012 at 04:43

      I agree with you, biko, don't you think he is afraid if he lets her go, the next woman may not stay either because of his predicament?

      Delete
    2. Docia29 November 2012 at 03:41

      If a man has erection dysfunction can he still *perform*?

      Delete
    3. Rhapsody Phoenix1 December 2012 at 13:46

      The short answer is yes. The more involve yet brief summary would be that erectile dysfunction (ED) does not mean there isn’t any function. Yes in some cases that is the inability to attain an erection however some are able to maintain though not for very long. There are varying degrees to ED/impotence some of which are health related. Health issues such as kidney problems, vascular and neurologic diseases and diabetes just to name a few can contribute greatly to ED/Impotency due to some of the medications prescribed to treat them, it’s an unfortunate side effect. There is also a psychological component to it as well but all is not loss as there are treatments depending on the degree of physiological/ psychological dysfunction. Based on what I’ve read here it appears that Alvin does have some degree of function thus he is able to perform though I suspect his wife’s proclivity toward promiscuity is not helping and only serves to heighten his ED toward a steady decline.

      I don’t doubt that Alvin love his wife however I would speculate to say that some of his reasons for staying with her have more to do with him that it has to do with her.
      Alvin need not underestimate his wife, she is neither deaf, dumb, blind or stupid, she is fully cognisant of what she is doing and her acting out is more than likely her resentment of feeling trapped in what she feels is a physically unsatisfying marriage. That being said, it is no excuse for such blatant disregard for her husband, it would almost be kinder if she just simply left. Constantly poking/digging in someone's wound hardly makes it heal faster or at all.

      Delete
    4. Docia3 December 2012 at 13:42

      Waow! Rhapsody, I never knew you were such a repository of knowledge. This is more than a motivational talk for a marriage that is going through turbulence. Guess Alvin has to consult you for more on such teachings. Its really been wonderful having you around. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm indeed humbled, I've learnt 1 word (proclivity).

      Delete
  4. Priscy29 November 2012 at 05:56

    If you ask me, I think Brenda needs serious prayer and deliverance. as inn...what at all could be the matter with her to be sleeping around to the extent of even "doing" her female friends?

    Alvin should talk to his wife like 9ja-great suggested, and also go ahead to talk to their pastor and the lady's parents if possible. their daughter is young and is watching... the earlier the better o!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Docia29 November 2012 at 12:50

      Yea Priscy I agree with you, but somewhere in Alvin's letter, he said sometime ago he reported her to their pastor and when she was summoned did not turn up and has since left the church.

      Delete
  5. Myne30 November 2012 at 20:43

    I think Rhapsody and a9jagreat has said it all. The rest is left to Alvin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Docia3 December 2012 at 13:34

      Myne missing u, I've long awaited to hear from you, hope you're doing pretty well. Thanks for commenting I'll forward your comments to him.

      Delete
  6. Blogoratti5 December 2012 at 06:47

    Great comments so far.
    I mean the writing is there on the wall, it's time for Alvin to take a decisive step in order to help protect his child.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Docia6 December 2012 at 23:32

    Thanks so much bloggorati for stopping by to comment, really appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Unknown9 December 2012 at 16:19

    Is very important for us to pray and read the bible to direct us when situation like this arise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Docia12 December 2012 at 06:14

      Well said, but what happens to the non-Christian who finds himself in such a sition as this?

      Delete
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